I love to miss you,
yet dread to have you.
maybe because missing you
hurts less.
I tend to grief your presence,
and make excuses as to why is missing.
your absence has me reminiscing every single time your lips touched those of mine,
while your heart slowly detached every emotion that was ever linked to that of mine
I love to miss you,
because I paint you in such a beautiful picture
with candid colors of calmness
truly ignoring the color red
because you to me are flagless
I mean flawless.
you to me are perfect, yet that’s only when I miss you.
having you hurts like constantly dealing with uncut thorns penetrating my thumbs ,
yet my heart is the only one bleeding.
having you is like playing tug or
war knowing I’ll never win
because you always win
with words to belittle me.
words that drown me,
and you know I can’t swim.
I often wonder why I choose violence.
why you choose to shatter me like porcelain glass you never wanted.
yet I was the one you always wanted.
at least that’s what you told me.
I should’ve known because you never showed me.
I was deceived as you always affirmed my beauty after undressing me,
just to wrap me in pure disgust of myself
when you were “done with me” .
replacing my everlasting traits slowly
as I unsatisfied you,
while you fulfilled me with insecurities
and hurtful distractions
to keep my mind away from seeing
our inevitable end.
I dread to have you
because slowly you drag me into darkness
while disguising as my light
and shinning armor
I dread to have you
because you’re exactly
how I imagined love to be ,
yet I can’t take it.
mad at myself for hurting so bad,
got me questioning my resilience,
and I tend to be so persistent
for us not to end.
but I beg you and your lack
of love to pardon
my heart just to
have one last night where
we could both pretend
to at least love each-other again.
01.08.2022